Stonewalling is one of the most damaging behaviors that can occur in any relationship. It’s a form of emotional withdrawal where one partner shuts down and refuses to engage in communication, effectively leaving the other person in the dark. Often seen as a response to conflict, stonewalling can erode trust, create emotional distance, and intensify feelings of frustration and helplessness.
What is Stonewalling?
Stonewalling, as defined by psychologist John Gottman, is a defense mechanism in which one partner withdraws from an interaction and refuses to participate in the conversation. This can manifest in various ways, such as giving short or monosyllabic responses, avoiding eye contact, physically turning away, or simply staying silent when the other partner is trying to communicate.
While this behavior may start as an attempt to cope with stress, it often becomes a pattern over time. The partner who stonewalls may feel overwhelmed or unable to manage the emotional intensity of the situation, leading them to shut down as a way of protecting themselves. However, to the partner on the receiving end, it can feel like rejection, neglect, or even contempt.
The Effects of Stonewalling on Relationships
Stonewalling is particularly harmful in relationships because it prevents healthy communication. When one partner withdraws during a conflict, it leaves the other person with no opportunity to resolve the issue or feel heard. Over time, this can create a sense of isolation and frustration, as the individual feels they are not being understood or valued.
John Gottman calls stonewalling one of the “Four Horsemen” of the apocalypse in relationships, alongside criticism, contempt, and defensiveness. These behaviors are predictive of relationship breakdowns and can lead to emotional disengagement. Partners who stonewall may unintentionally breed resentment, erode emotional intimacy, and, in extreme cases, push the relationship toward dissolution.
Why Do People Stonewall?
Stonewalling often occurs when someone feels emotionally flooded — overwhelmed by the intensity of the conversation or situation. When emotions become too much to handle, the person may withdraw to protect themselves from feeling further anxiety, anger, or distress. This is especially common when the person feels like they cannot win the argument or when they are unable to regulate their emotions effectively.
Stonewalling is not always a conscious decision. For some, it is a learned behavior or a coping mechanism developed in childhood or earlier relationships. People may stonewall because they are afraid of conflict, lack effective communication skills, or have never learned how to engage in emotionally healthy ways during a disagreement.
The EFT Perspective on Stonewalling
In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), stonewalling is seen as a defensive emotional response rather than an intentional effort to hurt or avoid one’s partner. EFT, grounded in attachment theory, suggests that stonewalling often stems from a deeper emotional vulnerability in the “withdrawer” — the partner who shuts down during conflict.
The Withdrawer’s Reaction
From an EFT perspective, the person who stonewalls is typically a “withdrawer” — a partner who feels overwhelmed by emotional distress and retreats to avoid feeling emotionally flooded. The withdrawer may struggle with emotional vulnerability and fear being engulfed by the intensity of the conflict, or may worry that expressing their emotions will lead to criticism, rejection, or further escalation.
In many cases, the withdrawer may feel that they are emotionally unprepared or incapable of handling the argument, so they retreat to protect themselves from feeling overwhelmed or inadequate. They may also believe that withdrawing will give the situation time to cool down. However, the unintended result is that the emotional connection will shut down, leaving the other partner feeling unheard, rejected, and emotionally distant.
The Pursuer’s Experience
The partner who experiences the stonewalling (often referred to as the “pursuer”) typically feels rejected and isolated. In EFT, the pursuer’s emotional response to the withdrawer’s stonewalling is often characterized by escalating demands or emotional outbursts in an attempt to re-engage their partner. The pursuer may feel that their needs are being ignored, which exacerbates feelings of anger, panic or loneliness.
In this cycle, the more the pursuer tries to draw the withdrawer back into the conversation, the more the withdrawer may shut down, creating a vicious circle of emotional distance and unmet needs.
How EFT Handles Stonewalling
EFT focuses on helping couples break the negative cycles that emerge during conflicts. The goal is to foster emotional engagement by addressing the root causes of emotional withdrawal and creating a space where both partners can express their vulnerability.
1. Fostering Emotional Safety
EFT works by creating a safe space for both partners to express their emotions. For the withdrawer, this involves helping them understand and express their feelings of vulnerability and fear that drive their retreat. This often requires the therapist to work with the withdrawer to lower the emotional flood and allow for more manageable emotional expressions.
2. Creating New Interaction Patterns
Through EFT, couples learn to recognize the negative cycle of withdrawal and pursuit and replace it with healthier ways of interacting. The withdrawer is encouraged to open up gradually, while the pursuer is taught to soften their approach to invite engagement without overwhelming their partner.
3. Empathy and Responsiveness
EFT therapy helps both partners develop empathy for each other’s emotional needs. The withdrawer learns to respond to the pursuer’s emotional bids with understanding, while the pursuer learns to be able to receive more emotional reassurance without escalating the tension. Over time, this helps to rebuild trust and emotional intimacy.
Stonewalling can be threatening to relationships, but in Emotionally Focused Therapy, it is viewed as a reaction to emotional vulnerability, not a deliberate attempt to hurt one’s partner. By helping both partners understand the emotional needs driving their reactions, EFT facilitates healthier communication patterns and a stronger emotional connection. When both partners learn to express their emotions more openly and respond to each other with empathy, they can overcome the cycle of stonewalling and foster a more secure, emotionally engaged relationship.