Criticism is known as one of the main destructive forces in relationships. Renowned relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman identifies being overly critical as one of the “Four Horsemen” that predict relationship breakdown. According to Gottman, criticism differs from a complaint by being more global and personal, often targeting a partner’s character rather than their behavior. For example, saying, “You never help around the house; you’re so lazy,” criticizes the person rather than addressing a specific issue. Over time, this pattern can erode trust and connection, creating a hostile environment where partners feel attacked and defensive.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, offers an additional layer of perspective on criticism. EFT suggests that criticism is often a desperate cry for connection. In most cases, one partner uses criticism as a way to express their unmet need for closeness, safety, or reassurance. For example, a statement like, “You never listen to me!” often masks a deeper plea: “I feel invisible and unimportant to you, and I’m scared that we’re growing apart.”
This dynamic can spiral into what EFT calls a negative cycle. Typically, one partner criticizes or angrily demands connection, while the other partner withdraws to avoid conflict or feelings of inadequacy (the withdrawer). As the criticism increases, so does the withdrawal, leaving both partners feeling isolated and misunderstood. This pattern can feel inescapable, leading to resentment and a growing emotional distance.
In addition to describing this dynamic, EFT also offers a roadmap to transform this cycle into a secure and nourishing bond. The key lies in helping partners recognize and express their underlying emotions and needs in a non-critical way. For the pursuer, this means moving away from blame and instead vulnerably sharing their feelings. For example, instead of saying, “You’re always on your phone; you don’t care about me,” they might say, “I miss spending time with you and feel lonely when we don’t connect.”
Similarly, the withdrawer is encouraged to stay present and engaged, learning to respond with empathy rather than retreating. For instance, they might acknowledge their partner’s feelings by saying, “I didn’t realize you were feeling that way. Let’s talk about how we can spend more time together.”
In EFT sessions, couples work together to identify and de-escalate their negative cycles, replacing them with new patterns of interaction rooted in emotional safety and mutual understanding. Over time, partners learn to turn toward each other during moments of stress rather than turning away, creating a secure bond that fosters intimacy and resilience.
Criticism doesn’t have to signal the end of a relationship. By understanding its roots and reframing it as a bid for connection, couples can break free from destructive patterns. With tools like EFT, they can replace criticism and withdrawal with vulnerability and support, paving the way for a deeper, more fulfilling connection.